Loss of a Loved One I.

It is so hard for me to accept that you are gone.

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The loss of a loved one causes one of the most heartbreaking pains a human being can experience. Usually, it comes as a surprise because, no matter how deteriorated the deceased might have been, the love felt for them makes it extremely difficult to envision a fatal outcome.

- Loving and knowing, both together cannot be. 

Partly due to the surprise of the event or the demands of the wake and burial rituals, the levels of sadness are not as high immediately following the loss; rather, anger appears in the form of reproaches to the deceased for leaving and abandoning the mourner.

But in the following days, a true avalanche of memories surfaces, dating back to the beginnings of the emotional bond with that loved one who is now physically gone. Positive aspects are magnified, negative ones are downplayed, and an immense pain sets in, against which the individual defends themselves by temporarily denying the loss to the point where, even while fully awake, they feel as though it is a bad dream that will disappear upon waking, which obviously does not happen.

Feelings of guilt arise for supposed offenses committed against the deceased, as well as a lack of interest in daily life activities, even those that were once very meaningful.

As the months pass, a gradual reconnection with daily life occurs, and the pain eases until the loved one can be remembered without suffering, even with the joy and affection that accompanied the moments lived together.

The above is an approximate description of a normal grieving process, but there are deviations that unnecessarily intensify or prolong the pain and can lead to both mental and physical illnesses. One of these is not accepting the reality of the loss, which may be accompanied by performing daily activities as if nothing had happened and talking about the deceased as if they were still alive. Denial reduces the pain but prevents the grieving process from going through all its stages, so it never reaches resolution.

- If we skirt around pain, we will always remain in it. If we want to overcome it, shortcuts won't do: we have to go through it.

Sometimes the mourner confuses the necessary crying over the loss, talking about it, or seeking help with weakness, and by not crying or talking, their pain is not released, which generally has later repercussions on physical and mental health.

- Suffering that is not expressed in tears will manifest as symptoms.

- The one who burns quietly burns more.

- Sharing grief eases suffering.

Others try to find relief through substance use, which leads to addictions that add a major problem to the unresolved grief.

- Some, fleeing from the machete, hide in the sheath.

-  Out of the frying pan and into the fire.

A common deviation is becoming stuck in the pain of the loss with the conviction that ceasing to suffer or indulging in pleasures that were once shared with the deceased is disrespectful to them. This is often accompanied by behaviors that constantly reactivate suffering and keep grief in its acute phase, such as filling the house with photos, constantly going to the cemetery, keeping the deceased's room and belongings as they left them on the day of their death, or as they liked them to be. From this position, sometimes there is an expectation that other mourners who have already processed their grief and reconnected with life continue to suffer.

- What drowns you is not falling into the river, but staying submerged in it.

Also, very frequently, the mourner repeatedly torments themselves by thinking about offenses committed against the deceased, many of which actually happened but are overvalued, including inappropriate treatments or having wished for their death to end their suffering.

- What happened cannot be undone.

- What is done is done. 

ABSTRACT

The loss of a loved one brings immense pain, often catching us by surprise and making it hard to accept reality. Initially, anger and reproach toward the deceased may surface, but soon a flood of memories intensifies the pain, leading to denial and feelings of guilt. Over time, gradual reconnection with daily life eases the pain, allowing for remembrance without suffering. However, deviations like denial, avoiding expressions of grief, and resorting to substances can prolong the pain and lead to health issues. Some mourners get stuck in their pain, fearing that moving on disrespects the deceased, and engage in behaviors that keep their grief acute. Tormenting oneself over past offenses further complicates the healing process.

Related entries: Forgiveness (Second Part), Limits of Forgiveness.

Home Page - Spanish - Setswana

Forgiveness (First Part) by Dr. Arturo José Sánchez Hernández (Rapula)

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